讲话

me: trying to pretend that I’m listening to the other person. meanwhile in my head:

honey, we're going to be hysterical.

Hello baby, how are you? April! We can’t fucking find any common topics here. something awkward!

I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO PUTIN'S NEW YEAR'S SPEECH. HE USUALLY SAYS THIS YEAR WAS HARD AND FULL OF DIFFICULTIES. THIS TIME HE WILL PROBABLY JUST STAND SILENTLY FOR 5 MINUTES, THEN TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND SAY THIS IS JUST FUCKING, AND THEN CHIMS.

If you run Stephen Hawking's book through a talker on your computer, it will be as if he himself is personally reading his book to you.